Note: unsexy (mostly)

I've been out of town, out of touch, not visiting my beautiful husband unfortunately but taking care of some other family stuff.

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. This is the part where i miss Jack because he sometimes does the dishes or hangs out with the kids while i take a nap. He makes sure they do their chores. He delegates effectively, unlike me.

I have to go work in a little bit, which i hate, and this place is a mess AND the first thing i did this morning (besides accidentally falling asleep after turning off my alarm) was clean up dog poop in the house. And I'm on my period. I want everything to just stop: my job, the mail, the boys coming home from school, any and all kind of pressures or messes. I want quiet and i want time. I want to sit on a couch in a clean house with a clean puppy who does not smell weird on my lap. And i don't know, watch tv or something.

Jack and i had a rough weekend. HIs extreme loneliness coincided with my extreme busyness and lack of privacy. He needed to talk and i couldn't, for 4 days. I could tell he was getting frustrated and mad, maybe at me, maybe in general. I was busy taking care of life stuff that is important, which he knew and appreciated, but it didn't make him feel better. He kept calling and I kept having to get off the phone. He's been insecure about his new job, had some tensions with a few of his coworkers, missed me terribly, has been sending bunches of emails with instructions and links to sexy blogs and websites that i couldn't begin to respond to...poor Jack. And i felt so terrible for neglecting him, for not being able to make him feel better or give him the attention he needed.

When i got back in town Monday night we finally talked--for about 2 hours. I cried and cried and told him i needed him, that i felt guilty for not giving him attention and i felt also a little defensive and protective of myself. I have a tendency to get wrapped up in long lists of little things that don't matter that much and to resent any distractions from them. Like, How can i possibly kiss you right now when there is laundry? And a pie to bake? Those are the times when i need a spanking the most. If i am tied down against my wishes and caned or even just touched, gently, it breaks the brittle structure i've created and i cry and cry and cry. He breaks me down and then comforts me, usually by putting his cock in my mouth and telling me i'm good. This process has a tendency to re-prioritize things for me. Like, it probably doesn't matter too much whether the house is a mess because i love my husband terribly, completely, and i trust him and belong to him.

Talking on the phone was kind of like that. I was forced to use words, which is hard for me--I am incredibly shy talking about this stuff. I was forced to say, "I need to submit to you. I need to give you all the control. I need to be tied, whipped, held. I need to give myself to you." I cried and cried on the phone and felt utterly vulnerable. I said to him I felt like i didn't have any skin on my body. But i'm not sure he caught it because i was crying and probably whispering. And afterwards we felt close again, which is what we like, want, need.

I can't wait until I'm done teaching for the semester. I hate being a teacher because i don't like to be in a position of power and i don't like telling people what to do. Duh. They don't listen to me anyways. I once read a blog where a girl said she was so submissive she couldn't even tell her dog what to do. It's kind of like that with me and the college students; we go through the motions, mostly, and try to ignore the absurd situation we are in. Some of them have crushes on me, which means they at least pay attention...even if it's to the wrong things, like my tits instead of their run-on sentences. I gotta go get ready for class.